old-couple-holding-hands1
old-couple-holding-hands1

Anyone who reads this blog knows I write about my Dad… a lot.  He’s always on my mind since he suffers from late-stage Parkinson’s disease.  And yet there’s another person I’m always thinking of, who keeps the machinery of my father’s world moving like clockwork, who’s as necessary, irreplaceable and vital as the sun is to the earth.

And that’s my Mom.

My 80 year-old mother had to make a tough decision a few months ago.  Dad was coming out of the hospital after a long stay and she had two choices.  She could put Dad in a nursing home.  Or she could keep him with her.

Either option was hard.  Dad would be lonely and miserable in a facility, one of many elderly people sitting in wheelchairs.  He wanted to come home.  He wanted to be with his wife.  He wanted to watch Yankee games from his favorite chair.

And yet Dad’s Parkinson’s has advanced so much, medical and personal care would be administered around the clock.  Mom would be tied constantly to Dad’s ever-growing needs.

There had to be a third alternative.  And thankfully she found it.

Mom put together a team of aides, therapists, and nurses who pop in and out from 9:00 a.m. till 6:00 p.m. seven days a week.  A shy, introverted person, she had to get used to lots of people around every day in their small Connecticut home.

But she realized two things fast.

First, she needs these professionals.  There’s no way she could provide the services they do.

Second, she saw how wonderful and dedicated they are. She saw how the female aides, many Jamaican, take such gentle care of my Dad, laughing and keeping him clean and happy.  She saw the way the male aide cheerfully takes my father for rides in his car or in a wheelchair outdoors, an act of heavy-lifting my mother could never do.

And judging from my visits, I see how this medical staff likes my parents in return.  In some ways, they’ve formed a community of care around my Dad.

Still, days are hard.  Dad’s food must be pureed, his water thickened with apple sauce to prevent choking.  Mom must feed him every bite.  She can’t move him herself so must wait for aides to come and help Dad from bed to chair.

Sometimes she sounds bone-weary from 12-hour days, but knows this is her final gift to a husband she’s always loved, the man she’s been married to sixty years, the man she met on a sunny Cape Cod day in 1954.

Watching my mother I see it’s possible to grow and evolve in our later years.  Life can test us any time.  We’re not done at 40, 50, or even 80.  We can always learn and adapt. And although this is one of the hardest times of her life, Mom realized she’s more capable, brave, and resourceful than she ever imagined.

Many times I ask her, what can I do?  How do I care for the caregiver? And the answer always comes down to one thing.

Be there.  Be there to listen, console, and give a hug.  Be there to stay with Dad once a week so she can go out with much-needed friends.  Be there to talk.  Be there to laugh.  Be there to cry.

And although this never seems enough, in small ways, I see it does help.  Parkinson’s took a lot from my parents, especially my father.  And yet it gave one thing to my mother.  It gave her strength she never knew she had.

I’m so proud of her.  Being there is the least I can do.

 

(Postscript:  My father passed away peacefully in July, 2015.  My mother was by his side).

 

Do you have caregivers in your life?  Have you ever been the caregiver?   Comments are always welcome and if you like, please share.  Thank you!

Comments(24)

  1. I watched my mom work things out for my grandparents when they needed assistance. They did have in-home aides for a while. Some of the aides were good, some not. That was a VERY stressful time. I've always felt there is a much needed niche to fill around where I live in regards to GOOD and AFFORDABLE eldercare.

  2. Yes, its such a stressful time, especially for my Mom. We've been lucky with the aides, all of them have been good so far. I hope this continues since my Mom needs them so much.

  3. Oh, I'm so glad your mom found a third option, and that your dad's aides are good people. What a gift that you recognize her needs as a caregiver. I'm sure your support means the world to her.

  4. Thanks so much. I feel my job now is caring for the caretaker. I never realized till now what a difficult, but vital, role it is.

  5. Caregivers had it much harder than most of us realize. It was the opposite in my family. My father cared for my mother. A long and difficult time for him and they didn’t have the money or resources to hire the quality of help it sounds like your family did. Unfortunately, by the time she passed Dad had let his own health slip and that took him about 3 years later. I’m so hoping that things change in the future for people and caregivers in ways that work for the majority regardless of whether the family has money.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Kathy, So true about aides costing money. Fortunately, for my parents, so much was covered by Medicare. I’m not sure what they would’ve done otherwise. I’m sorry about your Dad. Sounds like he gave his all. Thank you for reading.

  6. What a beautiful post. The importance of compassionate caregivers cannot be underestimated — you and your mother included.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Thank you so much, Shari. I didn’t realize it until I saw it first-hand.

  7. A friend sent this to me because my parents in the same position. Such a good post. All so well described. I wish I couldn’t relate, but I do.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 8 years ago

      Its tough to watch parents go through this, Nina. Thank you for reading.

  8. What a beautiful tribute to your parents. I lost both of my parents in 2015. Thanks for sharing.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Cathy, So sorry about losing both your parents in the same year. How hard that must have been. I wish you all the best. Thank you for reading.

  9. I’ve just finished reading Atul Gawande’s wonderful book, Being Mortal. He writes a lot about the importance of that third option and how it makes it possible for many of us to give our spouse or parent what you so perfectly called a ‘final gift.’
    It made me feel so happy to hear your parents were able to piece together that third option. It is so remarkably unavailable to so many people–which is the point Gawande makes.
    BTW: I, too, had a team of Jamaican women help care for my mother. Their kindness, intuitive sense of caring and respect forf older people are something I will never fail to appreciate and remember.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      I have that book on my kindle, “Being Mortal.” So many people recommended it. And yes, my Mom and I will never forget the kindness of my Dad’s aides. They made his final years so much easier. Thank you for reading.

  10. This made me cry. Your mom made the right choice ad you are a good daughter. Happy Mother’s Day to her! She raised you well.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Lauren, Thanks so much. Looking back, my mom did make the right choice.

  11. I am a non-medical caregiver. Today I visited with a man who has Parkinson’s. Intellectually he is in great shape and we had a lovely visit. I was just there to be company and monitor him in case he fell or had an issue – eyes, ears and hands to help out so his wife could get a much needed break. I adore my clients and feel fortunate beyond measure to be able to help in such ordinary, yet significant ways. I’m glad your father was able to stay home with your mother,

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Bryce, What a great service to provide. Relieving the caretaker is vital. My mom had several aides that helped with my dad at home and she couldn’t have lived without any of them!

  12. What a beautiful post. Your mom has amazing reservoirs of strength and it truly did take a village. My dad has Alzheimer’s and though they are in independent living he now qualifies for an aide and I’m so glad my mom will have help.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Estelle, As I learned with my mom, an aide is vital. The caregiver must also give themselves care. So sorry about your dad. He’s lucky he has such a devoted wife.

  13. This does seem like a hard decision, but the right one.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Carol, It was tough, but also right. My mom has no regrets.

  14. Your mom was so loving. My dad has Alzheimers and my mom has help in their Independent living community. But she will need to make some tough decisions soon. Thanks for sharing your parent’s story.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Estelle, It’s a very tough decision, especially when Alzheimer’s is involved. All the best to you and your family.

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