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My husband Randy and I are a good team. We always have been. And yet, as we’ve both adjusted over the years to his retirement — and him being home all the time — I see now how different we are. I’ve even wondered how we managed to survive all these years, still loving and liking each other. Here in no particular order are ways we both continue to…well, “perplex” the other.

Randy’s an extrovert. I’m an introvert. My husband is funny, outgoing, and charming. He has an extrovert’s love of people, talking, and socializing. I have my fun moments too, but that’s the key. They’re moments.

Randy and I will go out to dinner and have a great time. “A good band is playing in Fairfield tonight. Let’s go,” he’ll say afterwards. Sometimes I will, but more times than not by 9:30 p.m., I’m ready for my pajamas and the latest episode of “Versailles.” I feel boring, but thank God, Randy understands my limited introvert energy.

Randy needs sound… constantly. I worship quiet. Even on the back porch in the summer, Randy will put on pretty classical music. Nice, right? Meh. I love natural noise – the chirping of birds, croaking tree frogs, and soft breeze rustling the leaves. But Randy’s a musician. He can’t tolerate a world without notes, chords, and melody.

So we’ve learned to compromise. We alternate his need for musical interludes with “ambient noise” breaks for me.

Randy falls asleep in 5 seconds. I lie awake for hours. I’ve heard lots of wives say this. Men hit the pillow and start snoring immediately. It doesn’t matter what’s on their minds. Women ruminate. We take longer to fall unconscious, giving rise to thoughts like…Did I leave the garage door open? Was my neighbor strangely distant the other day? Hey, I never heard back from that electrician.

Meanwhile, Randy sleeps like an angel while I lie there, sometimes jealous. He never sweats the small stuff. Me? I sweat everything.

Randy loses things. I find things. Phone, car keys, bills, paperwork… you name it, my husband has lost it, many times. He can search a room for his wallet for an hour and not see it. Then he’ll call me in. I’m like the “Long Island Medium” with psychic abilities to scan the space and spot the missing item in seconds. I’m not sure what all this means, except maybe my mind is more, ahem, detail-oriented? 

Randy doesn’t mind a “lived in” look. I need monk-like order. Thank God, his office has a door. And he admits it himself — he’s “organizationally challenged.“ Somehow this plays into our personalities. Randy’s easy-going and takes life – and objects — as he finds them (if he can find them). I need order and control to be happy. Somehow we’ve struck an adult, mature truce. (Yes, I cover my eyes when I enter his space).

Randy lives in the present. I’m hopelessly enslaved by the future. I’ve been keeping to-do lists on index cards for 38 years. I plot out days, weeks, and months. Randy never keeps a calendar, ever. It’s all in his head. I honestly don’t know how he does it. I never see him write anything down – appointments, birthdays, or errands… and yet he never misses anything.

In the way I need to plot out my future like it’s a trip to the South Pole, Randy’s memory seems to operate on a spontaneous, “as-needed” basis.  It’s an uncanny talent.

He’s generous. I’m stingy. No one shops like my husband. If he buys food, it’s enough to supply the Russian army in January. No wonder the kids loved opening his gifts so much more than mine. Where I gave socks and pajamas (hey, they were cool socks and pajamas), Randy gave the hottest new toy or snowboards or musical equipment. I was too busy calculating the cost of everything. It’s hard for me to be that financially care-free.

I’ve always thought, if you put us together, you’d have this wonderful, balanced person. You’d have the fun of Randy, with the practical side of me.

And maybe that’s what marriage is. Marriage is the melding of two people into this perfect, invisible third person.

But perhaps I’m forgetting all the things we have in common – we share the same values and commitment to our sons. We’re both indoor people who like to sleep late on weekends. We both like to make fun of certain politicians. We each enjoy a good diner breakfast.

Maybe we have more in common than I realized.

But maybe its also true…opposites attract.

 

Are you and your mate more alike or different? Comments are always welcome and if you feel inclined, please share.

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Comments(65)

  1. Hi,
    My husband and I are opposites too. He’s a Republican. I’m a Democrat. He’s black and white. I live in the gray. He’s stingy. I’m generous.
    Janice

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Janice, I think its the ying and yang that make a marriage work. As long as a good balance is struck.

  2. My husband and I are very much opposites too but like you and your husband we have the love of our family and so many other things in common. Luckily we align politically.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Doreen, That’s a good point about politics. If Randy and I differed in that regard, that would make things harder. I don’t envy couples who have that dynamic, especially nowadays.

  3. My husband and I are opposites in some things (we have the same family values & outlook on life etc) but broadly speaking, I’m more like your husband & vice versa – apart from the extrovert bit – we are both extroverts 😊

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Linda, Its nice that you’re both extroverts. I wish I could keep up with Randy socially, and stay out late, but alas I can’t.

  4. I loved reading this, filled with its “that’s us” moments! Yes we are opposites in many ways, just like you and Randy. But our bottom line is love, respect, joy and a sense of humor. That last one is a necessity as we age!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Cathy, When I think of it, humor is what probably keeps us interested in each other. We may be opposites in many ways, but still love to make each other laugh. That’s a huge glue in our marriage.

  5. I’ve heard some people say that opposites attract and others that marriages work best if the couples are very similar to each other. I think it may be more complicated than that. My guess it depends on the particular individuals involved. Things certainly seem to have worked out well in your case! My wife and I are also rather different in some ways, but we seem to have adjusted well to each other over the years.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Bun, I agree, it seems to matter on a case by case basis. And even though Randy and I are opposite on the small things, on the big things, we’re very much aligned.

  6. Wow that’s so my husband and I, he is an extrovert and has to listen to music to fall asleep which naturally means I won’t even start till it goes off, our compromise is a timer. However, I am the funny one but being an Introvert many times no one knows lol. I love the balance it keeps things interesting.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Heidi, It does keep things interesting. I’ve often wondered what would happen if we were both quiet or very social. Sounds like you have the same kind of arrangement, and thank God for timers!

  7. Some days I think because my husband and I are opposites it’s good and some days I think it’s a bad idea! Honestly, we balance each other out but we also stymy the other person. However, I don’t think it would be a good idea if we were alike though. Too much fire. Not enough water!

    Julia
    http://www.whenthegirlsrule.com

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Julia, Great way to put it! I like the fire/water metaphor. I agree about two people being too much alike. I think a balance is nice.

  8. You sound just like Husby and me! Two halves of the same whole. But with the same goals and values. It works!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Diane, Yes. We do have the same values and goals. Its the small, petty things where we’re different. Nice way to put it.

  9. Sounds like you and Randy complement each other. 🙂 I can relate to some of this, but in the opposite way, Hubby likes the quiet, while I prefer to turn the music up. He is a master at finding the things I’ve misplaced. On the other hand, we are both generous and both packrats. Better to have one person who’s the opposite in those cases. Our cluttered basement is a disaster! We haven’t yet faced the adjustment of his retirement, but that will be coming soon. After 45+ years together, we should be able to handle it. You two seem to have a handle on it, despite your differences.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Debbie, Wow, 45+ years! That’s a long time. Sounds like you and your husband have the same opposite traits, but in reverse!

  10. It is great to have different traits in a marriage to balance things out, but it is also very important to have the same underlying values.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Shari, So true. I don’t know how couples stay married who have very different political beliefs, which I believe speaks to values. Although I know some who do a good job. Go figure.

  11. I am Randy. Um…I am like Randy.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Anna, You sound like a girl after my husband’s heart!

  12. Balance and a healthy dose of complement. Sounds like you have the perfect blend 🙂

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Mona, Some times are more perfect than others, but you’re kind to say so.

  13. Nothing was harder on our marriage than retirement because we are such opposites- in al the ways you just mentioned. His messiness and need for noise just about pushed me over the edge. However, after the initial struggle we are now as much in love as we were when we first married. I think it’s because we’ve finally blended into one.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Beth, It takes adjustment to go from early marriage to raising kids to back to just yourselves. I’m glad to hear you guys are back on track.

  14. Randy’s a lucky guy.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Kate, Thanks. I think we’re both lucky!

  15. In some areas my husband and I are similar…and some we are different. We learn to adapt…. he is messy, I am tidy. He loves rock music, I only like country. I rant and rave and he just agrees. He has worked from home for the last 20 years, but we go to our own offices and our own corners of the house and mostly do our own thing in our own way. Occasionally butting heads, but after 30 years we know what is worth the fight and what is just not worth it, because each of us will never change.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Michele, I find the ability to let things go gets better with age. We’ve both learned to pick our battles, although there are still occasional skirmishes.

  16. Is that what it’s called? Balance? I prefer to say the “balance” in my marriage is TOLERANCE! 😉 Hubs and I are alike in some ways and very much not alike in others. Whatever it is in all these “opposite attracts” relationships, at least they are working. Great read, Laurie!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Thanks, Bren. I love that word… tolerance. After decades together, we couples get good at choosing our battles. Its sink or swim!

  17. Love this post! My husband and I are complete opposites. In every possible way. It can be so frustrating at times but I really feel like it’s the bond that keeps us together. We balance each other out so perfectly! Great post.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Thank you, Rachel. Sometimes its hard when you each see things so differently, but it also gives the relationship life. I wouldn’t trade.

  18. It is the big things like values that matter.
    Like you I really enjoy quiet. My husband will go work out in the garden leaving the TV on in the living room and the radio on in the garage, the last 2 places he was in, all.the. time. Sometimes I assume he is home because everything is on including the coffee machine but he is missing!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Haralee, So funny. Our husbands sound similar. My husband will sometimes leave the tv and lights on in his office, all night! It drives me crazy.

  19. I thought I was reading a post about my marriage. Everything, right down to the husband who can fall asleep in 5 minutes.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Jennifer, I’ve heard so many women say that. I guess we’re the worry warts of the sexes. Its hard to turn all out that angst off automatically.

  20. I think the if the core values are the same, having different modes of expressing and experiencing life keep things from getting too boring! If the styles ore too divergent, I guess it would be a problem, like no skydiving to express one’s zest for life in my book!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Lee, I can’t imagine skydiving to prove one’s zest for life. How about a nature walk? That’s more my speed. I agree about core values.

  21. Laurie – this is such a sweet post! Sounds like you and your hubby have it figured out! Cheers!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Karen, I’d like to say we have it figured out, but it seems to change by the day! Thanks for your kind words.

  22. Sounds like you have it worked out! My spouse and I are too similar. We don’t make decisions. We like the same food, same music, same Saturdays. Neither of us complain, we don’t really communicate, our house is a mess. We get along and both, I imagine, are a bit frustrated that we have the same weaknesses.

    We are both creative and not practical at all so always have to call the man to fix just about everything. But hey, we’re okay in our own way and therefore I don’t think opposites attract. Well, not in our case. 🙂

      • Laurie Stone

      • 7 years ago

      Sounds like you guys are happy together and that’s what counts. I wouldn’t shed too many tears if Randy became super-neat or if I wasn’t quite so introverted. Maybe if we both moved to the center a little bit more, life could be easier. But we have what we have!

  23. My husband and I are alike in many ways, share many of the same interests. And yet we have a long list of opposite traits as well. I really think it’s true that we are meant to provide balance to one another.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Megan, Finding that balance can be tricky. We married very young and almost 40 years later, I still can’t believe we pulled this off.

  24. Oh, yeah. My husband and I are opposite on EVERYthing, even the direction we hang our clothes in the closet. (We each put our own laundry away.)

    But, I think that’s why we get together with others who are so different. Together we make a whole. A frustrating whole, at times, but I think it’s all part of the grand plan.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Lisa, Laughing about your clothes hanging! You’re right, it can be a frustrating whole, but maybe it is part of the grand plan. Well put.

  25. We all need a Randy

      • Laurie Stone

      • 6 years ago

      Home Depot should keep a supply in stock!

  26. I enjoyed reading this. I do believe that opposites attract. Perhaps because it’s a way of complementing each other 🙂

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Mona, Thanks for reading. Glad you agree!

  27. My husband and I are opposites on most things too. However it’s just annoying! We argue a lot because are approaches are very different. My husband then questions why I don’t do things his way which is irritating, Glad you got the right balance! Loves reading this.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Thanks so much, Lauren!

  28. Love this, Laurie! It’s uncanny how alike you two are to Husby and me. A little spooky! And totally awesome! 😉

      • Laurie Stone

      • 5 years ago

      Diane, I swear we live in parallel universes, even though we’re thousands of miles apart!

  29. […] dilemma points to the maddening difference in our personalities. I’m an obsessive-compulsive. Randy’s laid back and chill. “I’m getting there,” he says with a shrug. “Whether it takes three hours or three days, […]

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Looks great!

    • Laurie Stone

    • 4 years ago

    I swear it’s like you’re describing hubby and I.

  30. This is a sweet look at marriage. In my world, there are some great marriages where the partners are able to complement one another – one’s strength fills in the other’s weakness. It is a beautiful thing when it works.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Janeane, You’re right about when it works. I’ve often wondered how marriages function when politics are polar opposite. I’d find that challenging.

  31. I love this! You sound very happy in your marriage, and isn’t that the goal after all? It’s nice that you appreciate each others gifts and flaws and all the other little idiosyncrasies!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Melanie, Thank you. Randy and I are happy for the most part. Still can get on each other’s nerves, but that’s life after 40 years together!

  32. A wonderful example to the rest of us, now forcibly cooped up together! Marriage works! All it takes is appreciation (which you have!) cooperation (which you have) and rationalization (also you). All this helps you avoid hospitalization! (These days in more ways than one!) 😉

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Diane, There have been plenty of times hospitalization might have come in handy for either one of us! But somehow we muddled through and have managed to stay friends as well as spouses.

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