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The other day I overheard two women talking about their high school-aged sons. “I can’t motivate him,” said one with a sigh. “He’s smart, but his grades are awful. I don’t know what’s going to happen with college.” The other murmured in sympathy. Their conversation caught my ear because I used to be that worried mother. And yet many years later, I had one word of advice for her.

Time.

I remember those days when my oldest son Patrick, my budding musician, hated high school. Socially he was fine with a close group of friends, many guitar and bass players themselves. I’d listen to band rehearsals in our basement and although they sounded great, I noticed schoolwork took a backseat.

“Aren’t you going to study for that math test tomorrow?” I’d ask Patrick on a Sunday night. He’d sit in the kitchen, casually plunking chords on his bass. “I’ll get to it,” he’d say. It was 9:00 p.m.

My husband Randy and I attempted everything to get his grades up—tutors, bribery, grounding him on weekends, the carrot, the stick, everything—but nothing worked. It was frustrating because Patrick was smart, perceptive, and sensitive, but I couldn’t get him to study Western Civilization or Algebra II to save my life.

Other moms (mostly of boys) told me the same.

Finally, one day during his senior year, I decided to let go. I realized you can’t motivate another person. They have to do it themselves. I prayed a path would light up for Patrick.

And over the years, it did.

After graduating high school, he squeaked into a local college and that’s when we started seeing changes. His first shot at motivation began—he wanted out of that school and into Fairfield University, a closer, better-rated institution. But first his grades had to improve.

And they did.

Patrick even made the Dean’s list, an honor that came with much applause in the Stone house. In two years, Patrick worked hard and made the grades to get into Fairfield U.

Once there, he had to work to stay. More motivation. To his credit, he buckled down and graduated. My son who would barely crack a textbook in high school now had a Psychology degree.

Over the years, Patrick tried several careers—music management, web design, but ended up coming back to his first job out of college, counseling adolescents with autism. Yes, my son has a gift for helping those with mental disabilities. He’s been working at a local high school for special needs students for five years, which he loves.

Recently he applied for a Masters degree in Clinical Psychology. We all held our breath. We knew how badly he wanted this. We knew how hard he had worked. We also knew that only a quarter of applicants were accepted.

And then came the news.

Patrick got in. The boy I had fretted about in high school (and worried, and kvetched, and tore my hair out) had given everything he had to go to grad school.

And no (*sniff*) I didn’t cry when I heard.

I guess the moral of this story is…. time. We all need space to grow and Patrick was no exception.

I know other motivationally challenged high school boys who went on to become entrepreneurs and engineers and commercial artists. Their mothers had ranted and raved, but their sons had eventually found their passions. Do males go through this more than girls? I’m not sure, although I’ve heard this dilemma from women with sons more than daughters.

I wanted to tell that mom in the grocery line everything I had learned over the past decade, but by the time I had the words, she and her friend had moved on. (Plus I was embarrassed to admit I’d been eavesdropping). I wanted to tell her your son will change—or maybe stay the same—but a new, hidden part will emerge, a part more adult, responsible, and even ambitious.

Maybe we mothers must also learn as we go.

Sometimes all you can do is stand back… and let their path light up.

 

Did/do you have an academic contrarian in high school? Comments are always welcome and if you’d like to share, please do.

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Comments(37)

    • Lea Sylvestro

    • 4 years ago

    I felt for your worry and frustration as I read this, but what a journey…and what a wonderful outcome. Patrick has taken on such a challenging, meaningful path, one that would be too hard, and maybe heartbreaking, for most of us. Your point resonated though – the letting go and the miracle of time. My son was so angry as a teenager….he certainly wasn’t pleased with his parents. While school and grades were not a problem, now, he would say he had been unhappy with himself and uncomfortable socially. How I wish I could have told that young guy that everything would work out. That he’d get married, have children, and get a good job. Time! And another happy ending! XXOO

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Lea, Adolescence is such a hard time,for both genders, maybe especially for boys. No one has an easy ride. So glad that everything had a happy ending for Tucker. If we only had a crystal ball, but alas, we have to learn as we go along.

  1. I have two boys, opposites. Both very smart but one extremely social and the other very intellectual. It’s hard with 2 boys a year apart, not to compare. What I learned was not about them finding their path, but them needing completely different time frames to get there.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Karen, Good point. We all bloom when we’re meant to bloom. I always envied people who knew from a young age what they wanted to be. It seemed easier.

  2. Wonderful outcome!

    I was a bit of an “academic contrarian” myself – every report card I ever got involved some variation on the phrase “Bonnie has so much potential, but…”

    Did manage to muddle through somehow though.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Bonnie, I was that way as well. Somehow though everything turns out.

  3. Those teenage years flew by – wish I had a few of them back!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Antoinette, They did fly by — for myself and my sons. I’d love to go back and “visit” my boys in those years again, but alas, time goes too fast.

  4. This is so true! Time. It is the great motivator, or healer, or leveller. The boy I tore my hair over is now the fantastic father of six and running his own company. I think of the times I prayed to make it through just one more morning of getting him off to school without strangling him.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Diane, Laughing. I remember those days of getting the kids onto that bus. At times, it seemed impossible.

  5. I can relate to your story. My younger daughter barely graduated from high school, because she was not focused. She became a hair stylist, but realized that it wouldn’t pay the rent if she wanted to move out of the family home. So, she went back to school and now has a doctorate in physical therapy. She is now so wealthy that she was able to buy herself a 3 bedroom house and a Lexus. Money was the motivation she needed. Or what money can buy.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Gigi, Wow. What an incredible story! I guess its all about motivation and your daughter certainly found hers. Money is survival and she was smart enough to see that.

  6. My son struggled with school because he was a hands-on learner and school was more lecture than anything else. It was awful. He even spent freshman year at a Technical High School but hated it so much he purposely failed himself out. I decided to homeschool him and designed a curriculum around his likes of art, music, and film while also including the mandatory subjects.

    He graduated with a real diploma because I worked through an umbrella school. And after a few false starts like going to school for motorcycle mechanics and failed attempt at being an EMT, my hands-on learner became a hands-on massage therapist. A role that he is very good at.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Jennifer, Great story. They all end up finding their way and I agree about school only give auditory-based learning in the forms of lectures. Paul (now my chef) also hated that.

  7. […] The other day Laurie Stone of Musings, Rants & Scribbles overheard two women in a store talking about their high school-aged sons. “I can’t motivate him,” said one with a sigh. “He’s smart, but his grades are awful. I don’t know what’s going to happen with college.” The other murmured in sympathy. Their conversation caught Laurie’s ear because she used to be that worried mother. And yet many years later, she had one word of advice for that woman… […]

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Thank you, Jennifer!

  8. I have a small gang of millenial men in my “adoptive family”. I wouldn’t trade them for anything. From no college to law school. All interesting. All into what they want to be doing.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Carol, Its fascinating watching them grow into their own and follow their dreams.

  9. I told my teenage son that our auto insurance company charged one rate for kids who had at least a 3.0 average, and a higher rate for kids who had below 3.0. I said I’d pay his car insurance if he qualified for the better rate, with a 3.0; otherwise, he was on his own. He graduated with a 3.2 average.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Tom, You found the motivation! That seemed the key to everything.

  10. With three boys myself, I feel the same! One is graduating from college, no problem. The other two are trying to figure things out. One in community college-barely, and the other is a freshman in high school. My middle son has found a job which he loves, and they have asked him to come on full-time after his associate’s degree. He is so excited, and guess what, he is kicking butt on grades this semester because he finally has a goal. Hang in there mamas!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Melanie, Hang in there is right! We all grow and develop in our own way and in our own time. Sounds like your boys are doing great.

  11. I grew up in a house full of boys and I’m still recovering lol!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Rena, I can’t imagine!

  12. Love your post! I hope lots of mothers read this because it just might be a lifeline for them. I never had children, but from what I’ve observed, you’ve described the teen years! Such a difficult time for teens AND parents. They’re like two separate islands and no boat to reach the other one. xoxox, Brenda

      • Laurie Stone

      • 4 years ago

      Brenda, Wow. What a beautiful way to put it — two islands with no boat to reach each other. Love that!

  13. Stand back…and let their path light up. Absolutely inspirational, Laurie

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      Diane, Thanks so much.

  14. I read this awhile ago, loved it then, and still love it. I have 3 boys who are now 23, 20, and 16. Covid has helped our 16 year old to step up, but I know that the opposite has happened for many. One of his older brothers had a break down. It’s been a wild ride this past year…
    Time is totally what every boy needs, some more than most!

      • Laurie Stone

      • 3 years ago

      Mel, So sorry about the older brother. We all handle things differently. Hope everyone is doing well.

  15. I need to read this today because I am legit in this boat without a paddle right now! In fact I am sending this to my husband becuase we are both pulling our hair with our 2 teen boys. Thank you.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 2 months ago

      Lauren, Knowing you, they’ll be fine.

  16. How great for you and your son that things worked out the way they did! I know people who either couldn’t let go, with not-so-stellar results, and those who did let go….with the same results. Personally, I think it comes down to instilling a solid foundation when they’re young, which will ensure that, even with a little detour, they will come back to those values.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 2 months ago

      Ricki, So true. It also helps when they know that you’re there for them, no matter what. Sometimes they have to learn by making mistakes.

  17. I still remember the stress of comparing notes with other parents, that feeling that my kids aren’t keeping up, aren’t achieving enough, aren’t good enough. But looking back, THEY WERE FINE. I wish I had know also that they would be just fine.

      • Laurie Stone

      • 2 months ago

      Pennie, My youngest is 30 and all his friends who didn’t do well in high school (they weren’t academics) turned out great. My son is a chef and loves his work. Several of his friends went into the trades and now own their own companies.

    • Mel Studer

    • 10 hours ago

    All of this! I had three sons who were teens over the years, and we are in our last year after almost 15 LONG years of having a teen. Time and love and patience and time and love and patience and on and on!

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